I need MAJOR help

Long story short:

I have been talking to this guy I met on an online Christian dating service. He is a widowed missionary currently serving in Malawi. We have been talking since February, and honestly everything has been perfect. He is handsome, smart, funny, educated, has a great job over here in the States etc. I couldn't of dreamed up a better guy. We talk on the phone for at least 20 minutes every night. He sends me gifts, I help support his missionary work. We have fallen in love, completely. I have been almost positive that this is God's doing, as I have not had an easy life.

But something has come up recently and this is completely out of my league of things that I can handle. Suddenly last weekend he stopped calling me, I was scared something had happened that I could barely sleep, I work as a nurse and I had to call in sick because I have been so scared and exhausted. Finally late Wednesday night he called me from a blocked number which I thought was weird. He said that he is making an emergency flight soon back to the States because his brother is in trouble. (We had talked about his brother before, and to sum it up: his brother is not a very good person) Well his brother got into gambling debt with the wrong sort of people. He said that he is having to empty his bank account to help pay off his brother's debt because he is worried about his brother's family being hurt.

He said that he will be stopping on the 26th-27th at a city 4 hours away from where I live in order to see me, and he insisted on sending me money via Western Union ($200) so I could meet him. I told him I didn't need the money but he insisted so I took it with the intention of returning it when I finally see him.

Well, he called me Thursday so upset, and said that he was $12000 and some change short of paying his brother's debt off after he emptied his bank account, and he hated even having to ask me, caught up in the moment I just blurted out 'I will bring you the money you need, to heck with money, money is NOT important, you and your family are'. He was so relieved when I agreed, I could feel it over the phone. He called me back an hour later, asking if I really meant I was going to pay him. I had added up everything I could get, and it wasn't enough by about $2140 and he got so upset, saying things that were so out of character for him. I got mad and sad all at the same time, finally after we both cooled down I said that I could probably get about a thousand more, and that we'll both find the rest of the money together. He apologized saying that he was just so worried about his brother and it was not me etc. He gave me the name of the hotel that I am supposed to meet him at and I said I would be there. I have not heard from him since, and can not get a hold of him

I don't know what to do, I can't eat, I can't sleep!!? Part of me wants to call the authorities, part of me just wants to run, and part of me wants to go pawn the title to my car to get him more money. The person that was yelling at me on the phone was not the person I fell in love with, but I couldn't handle it if something happened to his family because of me, I literally COULD NOT!

My friend and her husband thinks this is a scam and told me to go to the police... But what if she's wrong, and I end up just hurting him and his brother? I don't know what to think or do... But why would he send me $200 if he was trying to scam me????????

I want everyone to know that I am currently staying with my friend, and until he calls me back to meet me in a very public place with my friend and her husband, I will not meet him. If he's being truthful, then he has a woman who would do anything for him including help him out in his time of need.

Sorry, but I agree with your friend. This has all the hallmarks of a romance scammer.
They often spend a long time talking to victims before asking for money, and trying to make you feel guilty is part of the technique. A lot claim to be missionaries too.
Does he write like an American citizen? We can offer an opinion if you can post one of his emails. Does his English vary? Caused by supplementing his writing with romantic poetry found on the Internet. Does his name sound real? Scammers come up with odd sounding ones sometimes.
Actually sending you money by Western Union is unusual, but the money could have come from stolen credit card details.
The full email headers may tell us something if you can post them. Instructions how to do this can be found here. http://www.ip-adress.com/faq/view_email_header/

OMG! I'm sorry I think I'm just now accepting for the first time that this is all not real...

And no, no emails were sent, he has my email address but he never sent an email. We both were part of a Christian singles service, we both deactivated our accounts after agreeing to be more than just friends. We talked on the phone for the first time a week after we started messaging each other on the site. And the only way he has been talking to me for the past 6 months is off a pre-paid cell phone and phone cards that I sent him. I have been paying for the minutes on the cell phone too.

And no, his English is fine. He sounded perfect. Why, why ,why would he spend all this time talking to me, telling me his interests, talking about life and him growing up, telling me he loved me?

Most important of all, what would happen if I did show up to meet him, and it is a scam? What should I tell him when he calls back?

DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY! DO NOT GO ANYWHERE TO MEET HIM!

If there was a handbook for romance scammers, everything you have described would be in it. We see this technique time and time again.

As Arnold said, posting some of the messages he sent you really would help, if you still have access to the archives from the dating site. Sometimes when you are too close to the situation, you miss things that someone who is not connected will see.

Either way, I will start with what you have said so far, and how it would align with a typical scammer.

has a great job over here in the States etc.

the only way he has been talking to me for the past 6 months is off a pre-paid cell phone and phone cards that I sent him. I have been paying for the minutes on the cell phone too.

Then why did he need you to pay for his phone? This doesn't make sense on many levels, not only because it is clear that this "perfect" man was perfectly willing to ask a strange woman to financially support him from the very beginning, but also because a worldly, professional man would not travel halfway across the world without having established a means of contact with home BEFORE having a stranger send him an expensive prepaid phone (international calls on a prepaid cell are much more expensive than other options). How did he communicate with friends, family, and his employers before he met you? If he had internet, why not the much cheaper skype? If he is working as a missionary for an organization, the organization should have a landline for their business operations. Why is he not using the organization's phone (and he could always pay for his calls if he argued he didn't want to spend their money) If he is supposedly in remote areas where he doesn't have landline access, then chances are he wouldn't have cell service either! So there are things that don't make sense here. But scammers frequently use phones/contact as a way to extract money, and for some reason they simply can't communicate without their victims' help!

We both were part of a Christian singles service, we both deactivated our accounts after agreeing to be more than just friends.

Typical scammer. we see this ALL the time. He wants his victims to deactivate their accounts, so no other scammers can steal their victims. It also helps in case another woman he targeted reports him--he doesn't want to have to explain if the site closes his account for fraud. Of course, chances are he has other profiles, under other names, that he is still using to scam--but he knows you won't connect them.

Why, why ,why would he spend all this time talking to me, telling me his interests, talking about life and him growing up, telling me he loved me?

Again, standard romance scammer. This time is an investment for him. It is intended to lead to a big payout. If you aren't convinced that you are in love, and in a serious relationship, you won't part with large sums of money. And he's not wasting that much time, because he is reusing that background on other victims (though his name may change). Scammers don't use real information, anyway--their names, background, and everything else are fake or stolen. Scammers will frequently steal descriptions and stories from online and use those to describe themselves.

He sends me gifts, I help support his missionary work.

Again, common romance scammer tactic. The gifts are usually purchased with stolen credit card information. And it sounds like he has been steadily getting money from you, which makes the cost of a few stolen credit cards (phished credit card info can be purchased for less than $10) more than covered. He has already made money on this transaction. (make no mistake, when it comes to romance scammers, this is a transaction for the scammer, not a real relationship--that's how he lies so easily in spite of how much it will hurts his victims--he sees this as business, and the victim is just a means to an end.)

I had added up everything I could get, and it wasn't enough by about $2140 and he got so upset, saying things that were so out of character for him.

Again, this is common for a scammer. They have spent time grooming their victims to pay, and they frequently get upset, angry, and abusive when their victim doesn't do everything as instructed. That anger is typically the real person coming out, because he is too angry to play his role properly for a short time. That was the real him--everything else is lies.

The whole scenario--perfect relationship, talk of a future, probably referring to you as his future wife, lots of expressions of love and dedications; followed by sudden emergency requiring a large sum of money--this is typical scammer. Scammers will wait anything from weeks to a year or more before the big money requests arise, depending on the scammer and the victim--a skilled scammer will wait until he is absolutely certain his victim is hooked into the lies before he goes for the big money.

The scenario is also very typical scammer. The emergency situation will usually be tragic, and someone's life will be at stake. He wants the victim to feel like someone's life depends on her sending money, so that even if she has doubts, her fear of someone getting hurt will motivate her to send the money.

At this point, one of two things is likely to happen--he is likely to come up with a reason for you to transfer the money to him without meeting, (for example, he may get in an accident or be stopped by customs before you meet) or he will have an accomplice meet you. The first is more likely than the 2nd, but the 2nd is downright dangerous.

In the end, you have been supporting a man you never met, who is now asking you for large sums of money, even though he claimed to be financially stable and well-employed. This is not how a good, real relationship starts.

OK...

Dotti, I appreciate your help, you are right, I have been played...

I almost felt bad about posting this and betraying him until I he called an hour ago and I put him through my own little test.

I lied and told him that after telling my mother of the situation, she agreed to help and wrote me a check for $25,000. So I told him that I could pay him a total of $35,000, all in cash if he needed it. Well he, whoever he is, was ecstatic, I said I could possibly get more from her if he needed it, and he said he did...

The Ronald Finchley I thought I knew would never accept such money. If I offered to sell my home, all my things, and go live in a homeless shelter to get him more money, he not only would let me... he would encourage it at this point. This scumbag has turned my life into a living hell...

He knows where I live, my full name, and what I look like. So I can't go home... and probably work tomorrow for that matter. The last thing I need is to be attacked going to my car after finishing a late shift at the hospital. I've already missed work due to the sheer exhaustion of what he is putting me through.

What I thought was the best thing in my life is now a living hell. I have blown off other men because I thought I had something real with this guy. This just goes to show that they're not all foreign, the person I have been talking to speaks great American English, although with an accent I can't quite place, but I'm from the South so it could just be some sort of Northeastern or Northwest accent.

I've already called the police, they sent two officers over here and I'm supposed to go in tomorrow to talk with someone higher up. They have instructed me to stop posting on this forum, but I need to warn other women who might stop by here, who may already be in the further stages of contact with this predator.

I will post a picture in a few minutes.

EDIT: My computer died, and I thought this post did not send so I tried to post another duplicate, but the site said they had already received a post, this is my bad.

Here is the only photo I currently have access to right now, the other photo was his photo from the Christian singles service... while they share similarities, I am not even sure they are the same person. Both men in both photos has similar builds and greying hair, but certain facial features made me look twice, even when I trusted him. He said it was an older photo of him.

Here is the first photo, I will contact the Christian singles service to see if I can get the other one which is probably deleted.


He is the man on the left, he said this was taken with a member of his missionary group and her son before they left.

Picture edited to stop misuse. - CW

This just got a whole lot crazier.

He called me several times from the blocked number, and even though the police told me not to contact him until I talk with them again tomorrow, I decided to answer to get more information so that maybe I would have more to go on when I go in to the police station tomorrow.

I had him on speakerphone next to a computer microphone so I could record for the police, with my friend listening in with me. Well, he asked about the money I lied and said that I could get from my mother*** (See above post) I responded with the most simple answers possible (Yes, No, OK, Where, What time etc.) He confronted me about lying about the money I could get from my mother and asked why I would lie, I told him that I was not lying.

He doesn't believe me, I think he's starting to suspect that I'm on to him.

He then says he doesn't want me to travel with the money, that I should leave it at my house because supposedly it is against the law to carry that much cash around. (I don't think it is against the law to carry cash, just risky) Then he started asking the normal stuff about how my day was etc. (Are you kidding, I'm being scammed and afraid for my life, I'm just peaches n' cream!) I just try and act normal, but he knows something is up, so finally he asks me if I have told anyone besides my mother. I tell him no, and then he accuses me of lying again. He tells me that he needs to know he can trust me, and how he thinks we are soul mates and how God will see us through these hard times. He keeps calling me his guardian angel.

Then he gets pretty interrogative, asking me if I was at my house, I told him yes. (I am actually 20 miles away) He says that I am lying again, and this time he gets really mad. I stay calm and collected and just keep telling him I am not lying. No matter how much I reassure him, he just doesn't buy that I am in my house. He says that he can hear it in my voice when I lie, and that if you love someone you can tell easily if they are lying. The whole time I am having to signal to my friend to keep quite as she was on the verge of screaming at this guy.

After about 7 minutes of this redundant banter about how I am lying he finally snapped like he did the other night. My friend just sat back appalled. He then said, I know you are at your mother's house. (which actually is not true)

Finally I couldn't take it anymore, My emotions get the best of me, I tell him that he needs to find someone else to get the money from, that I know this is a scam. That I am afraid for my life, and that I have been in contact with the police. My friend finally lost her temper and starts yelling and standing up for me, she was as mad as I've ever seen her.

He just remained quite for the longest time, I was so nervous that the chips had finally fallen and the cards were on the table. Then after almost ten month of talking to this man, sending him money, giving all my personal details, the facade finally fell completely, and I got a glimpse at this real demon... after a moment of silence he just said in the calm acid tones of an enemy:

"You c**ts have no idea who you just f***ed with... (click)"

I am shocked and horrified beyond words.

This is my last post for a while, I will post an update when this is all over. I have got to find a way to protect my mother and myself. I have to call into work and let them know why I won't be there for a while, if I ever return. This is so far beyond what I can handle. There is really nothing else to say at this point.

God bless all, keep me in your prayers...

The good news is, when a romance scammer claims to be in Africa, that is usually where he is--in fact, he is usually African. African scammers tend to be misogynistic and controlling, and get very angry when their victims do not comply. They can also become vicious when angry, and it is not uncommon for them to make pretty severe threats. But in reality, these scammers are not typically a physical threat at all--they hide behind fake identities and lies, and do what they do, partly because they know the risk of punishment is low. They generally won't do anything that could put that at significant risk for punishment, no matter how many threats they make.

But, it is still best to follow up with the police, to be safe, and you need to follow their advice, especially when it comes to NOT speaking to him again.